Looking back, it's like a veil was lifted... Suddenly I came crawling out of the trenches of self doubt, anger, resentment, fear and sadness. When I was in the depths of it, I had no idea it was even occurring. I am not even sure those around me knew the depths of the despair. Society is so quick to chalk up the emotions in a pregnant woman as "crazy hormones". Albeit hormones are certainly a factor, I had no clue that I had so many of the risk factors for a perinatal mood disorder. I had experienced depression previously in life, I had a birth experience that was traumatic for me, my son spent the first week of his life in the NICU, I struggled with breastfeeding, my husband had to return to work soon after the birth of my son and I was left to care for him basically on my own for 14 hours a day. My struggles in my childhood left me feeling like I had absolutely no skills or right to even raise a child. My pregnancy was mostly unexpected, I lived with high levels of stress surrounding my job status, my first year of marriage (the list goes on & on, I didn't cope well). I lived 700 miles away from my nearest relatives & often felt isolated. Yet I never once stopped to think that the rage, the crying, the sickening sadness and the loneliness was abnormal. I thought every pregnant woman must go through this. I was never once asked how I was feeling mentally & emotionally, honestly that could have made all the difference. It strained my relationship with my spouse, it had me flipping out over even the most minor annoyances. I had a very unhealthy pregnancy that affected my self esteem, my confidence, induced guilt and robbed me of the joys of growing another life inside of me. Something that should have been the most exciting time of my life, was actually my biggest fear. Again, I just figured it was all normal so I didn't even reach out to anyone to ask. I would jokingly talk about these "crazy mood swings" with my friends, but it was always a joking matter & something that was taken lightly. I wasn't comfortable with my OB and had I had the courage at the time to switch to someone I was able to better communicate with, I might have asked.
It was nearly 2-3 years later before I would realize that what I thought was my norm, actually wasn't. That I could feel really good and feel like I was back to someone I recognized. Even now, with a nearly 4 year old and a whole lot more education I have come to realize where I just came from. At my 6 week follow up after the birth, I was given a questionairre. I don't even think I was completely honest on it because I was afraid they would admit me to a psych ward if I shared that I had very intrusive thoughts of hurting my baby or myself. I remember crying after imagining drowning my son, leaving the state & never returning back to my family or worse, taking my own life. I couldn't walk down the stairs of my apartment without this irrational fear, envisioning tripping down them and landing at the bottom where I would land on a hard tile floor, on top of my baby. I spent 90% of my maternity leave upstairs in my 2 bedroom apartment not leaving my bedroom. Realizing around 2 or 3 pm that I hadn't eaten all day, that I should take a shower, or do something productive. I felt like I couldn't handle anything else besides caring for my baby's basic needs. Leaving my house to do anything was a daunting task. After some time I decided maybe I needed to be on an antidepressant to help. I visited a friendly doctor who was reassuring, kind & had some good recommendations. He prescribed me prozac. I hadn't even finished out the month supply before my guilt of taking a pharmaceutical (& some added guilt from my spouse) while breastfeeding got the best of me. I stopped taking them and never returned to the doctor. Was that the right answer? Probably not. Then I returned to work at 3 months postpartum and the guilt I felt on a daily basis was incredibly emotional. I couldn't handle the stress of shuffling children ( I also cared for my stepdaughter) around, nursing, pumping at work, packing all of the bags for the day, focusing on my job and rushing home to do the housework and cooking. So we made the decision for me to stay home. It was one of the best decisions we could have made. Though it did come with added stress, I felt the benefits far outweighed that. Eventually around 9 months postpartum I started seeing a professional therapist for what I believed to be necessary for my marriage. My husband was working out of state at the time & so I was attending on my own. I thought it was strange that my therapist kept bringing up the fact that maybe a lot of my stress was due to being in a postpartum period, that I was already expecting so much of myself, that I had little support and felt overwhelmed. It was an 'aha!' moment for me. The FIRST time I stopped to consider that maybe he was right, maybe I was struggling with some PPD. Eventually the cost became too much so I stopped attending. Though the depression slowly faded after the first year, the anxiety increased. Once again, I had no idea that postpartum anxiety was also possible. I had a little anxiety before in life, but nothing like what I would later experience. I found it crippling me during the most inconvenient times - like driving. I couldn't get up to highway speeds before I would be overcome with intrusive thoughts of 'what-ifs'. 'What if I wrecked my car and I had to live but my son died? What If I just cranked the wheel into this wall? What if I passed out & accidentally wrecked?' Then suddenly the fears became real pain- in my chest, I couldn't breathe, my eyesight got blurry, I was dizzy, I was sure I was dying. So I would pull over. Sometimes I could call my husband & have him talk me down, but there was a time when I made him leave work early & drive to meet me 30 minutes away & rescue me because I felt like I was seriously in danger & ill. Then when he showed up, I felt fine. In that moment, I began to wonder if I was crazy. I was completely embarrassed. This wouldn't be my last run in with anxiety attacks, but all I know is that your mind can go to some real dark and crazy places at a very fast rate. I still struggle to drive currently, but it is something I am working on. My turning point was a decision that I made that I had no idea would be a total game changer... I made the decision to become a Doula. I knew that I didn't want women to go through pregnancy/labor/birth the way I did. I knew that women's voices needed to be heard, they needed to be empowered and positive, not coming out of their birth experience like they just returned home from war. Becoming a Doula not only educated me about pregnancy & birth, but about my own experience. I learned that far too many women out there aren't being given options, are dealing with abuse and a severe lack of support. I realized that it does "take a village" to raise children, that it's okay to receive and give help. I had taken a hypnobirthing class with a client and it surprisingly taught me breathing, imagery & coping techniques that I have found myself using in every day life! The birth of my son eventually brought me to the realization that a healthy lifestyle meant mind, body & soul. Becoming a Doula has been a road to healing for me, I get to help others and watch the sacredness of a beautiful birth unfold. I started putting nutritious foods into my body, I started appreciating the wonders of the female body, I started looking at my body as a wonderful work of art. I started speaking more positive to myself, doing things outside of my comfort zone even though I was scared. I started loving me like my son loved me, unconditionally. I used alternative modalities like herbs, energy work, foot zones, chiropractic care, getting sunshine & vitamins, journaling and good nutrition. What has helped me most of all was deciding to no longer let it define me, I went out there and did things that frightened me in hopes to change the lives of at least one woman. I recently began working on this project to support other mothers struggling with perinatal mood disorders. I have attended births for low income & high risk mothers. I hosted the first annual 'Climb out of the Darkness' hike through postpartum progress in my town. I have been hosting mother's circles, I have been educating my clients on perinatal mood disorders during their pregnancy & providing them with information and resources. I have been shining light on the topic of perinatal mood disorders in any way that I can. Because even if I am just one drop in the ocean, my ripple might help push someone else ashore... So if I were to leave a warrior mom with some words of advice it would be this: 'You are never alone. You are not your illness. You are stronger than you think. Find your tribe, start-somewhere, anywhere. Speak up, someone else is going through this too. Don't be afraid to reach out for professional help, your mental well being directly effects your baby. Educate yourself, find local resources and take care of you because you deserve it. And lastly, one of my favorites quotes that has gotten me through so much: "But what if I fall? Oh darling, but what if you fly?"...
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